Anger... it happens on occasion

F and I had a moment this week one we'd never had before.   One morning, F coughed significantly after his shower bringing up a lot of phlegm.  I didn't have suction or a toothette.  I told F I'd swipe his mouth out, but please try not to bite me.  I have never risked sticking my finger in his mouth, because he reflexively would bite on anything in his mouth.  On this day I cleared his mouth and he did not bite me, a first!  We talked about what it felt like compared to a toothbrush or toothette.  I even put his two fingers that could reach his mouth in.. and yes in the past he'd bite down on his own fingers.  It was a new thing for him and he was intrigued.

During my run yesterday, I was thinking about F and his new milestone.  I was thinking about how much he's  benefited from speech services.  Twice a week he's been working on speech for over a year now.  His face muscles have strengthened.  He rarely, if ever, drools anymore. He's making new sounds "mmm" and "nnn." He says "yeah" more when I talk with him.  How I wish in my heart of hearts that I had known what he needed.  That I had followed my intuition and worked harder to gain knowledge about the school system.  If I'd only payed more attention.  When I think of this I am overwhelmed with the huge regret that washes over me... I feel angry.

I'm angry that my son has missed out on a chunk of his life that he could have worked hard and made progress if he'd had access to what he needed.  Angry that I didn't know how to get him those services.  Angry that I believed the picture that was painted of his future and all that it WOULD NOT be.  Angry that I listened to someone, who had initials after their last name that I didn't have, and believed they knew better about my son than I.  Angry that he has to work harder than he might have had to work when he was younger.  Angry that perhaps he may have learned to speak a few words with intensive speech that could be understood by more individuals than just his family.  Angry at myself.

Then I have to let it all just wash away.  Otherwise it will eat at my heart and impede my ability to move forward and F deserves so much more than a bitter angry mother.