Overwhelmed and lonely

Today I woke up feeling incredibly overwhelmed and lonely.  I feel completely emotional and I've had tears streaming for the last hour.  I have days like this occasionally, but it's been some time.  I am worn down.  The individuals who used to be my closest friends have lives that have transitioned into different places.  They have become incredibly busy and my schedule no loner fits theirs or they have formed friendships that are more purposeful for them.  I know that friendship comes in cycles... I KNOW this.  I long for those friendships and the escape they provided from my daily life.

Today, I also feel that overwhelming sadness of having not a single family member who has supported me or does support me in any way.  I look around at most people I know and many of them have a parent they can call for moral support or even siblings.  My sister who lives locally doesn't have at the time in her day to send anything more than a Facebook post or an occasional email.  I finally had to stop calling and trying to coordinate get togethers with her and her girls because the rejection became just to painful.  It's a hard pill to swallow that your own sister really doesn't want anything to do with you or your children.  She's never said it.  The only thing she'll admit to is being bad at maintaining relationships.  The truth is we make time for the people we care enough about to make time for.  My mother... we don't get a long.  She sends guilt money occasionally which I will happily accept simply for what it is.  But really, she's done her own damage to not only myself, but my kids.  I've tried to move beyond it, but there are times when it's just hard.  It goes back to that saying we make time for the people we care enough about to make time for... I guess I don't care enough about my relationship with her to make time for it.  My brother completely superficial and I think his sexist.  Enough said.

I'm overwhelmed worrying about college, planning for retirement, trying to think of ways to get out from under debt... the list goes on.  I'm also overwhelmed by the thought  that if I were in crisis who would I call.  You know... I can't think of one person I'd call first.  Well, okay one... maybe two or three.  But that's it.  My reality is that I have not one physical person in my life that I feel I can count on in crisis.  That thought alone overwhelms me.  I'm isolated and lonely... I know this feeling will pass, but right now it's painful and it's real!

And the Decision is... Private School

Finally, we have weighed all options for C.  She really wanted to go this private middle school.  I have continued to look at alternative curriculum and other on-site charters. Although homeschooling her has been overwhelming this year, I'm deeply saddened by the thought of sending her away from 8 to 3 each day and add swim practice on top of that. My heart is heavy just thinking about her long days.

On Tuesday, C had her one on one interview at the private middle school.  She was told that she is accepted.  She called F and I as we were loading into the car for our trip to the Capitol. The joy in her voice was unmistakable.  She was given many compliments and told that the school "chooses her for her many great qualities." She is SO excited and ready to return to a school campus.

We are thankful she has picked a school that is small and Christian based. They only have 250 middle school students on campus.  That is a dramatic difference from a 1,000 or more in the public schools near us. I believe for C, Having faith and sharing it with others brings her a sense of peace.  A sense that there is a reason for all that has happened in her family. The school also goes through high school.  So if we can make it work she can graduate from there.

This decision is overwhelming and giving me a bit of anxiety. School doesn't begin until August.  We do not live close to the school.  It will be a commute.  I may or may not have a nurse to assist with F.  R  (the hubby) works nights and doesn't arrive home in time to help in the morning. Without a nurse F would have to go with me each day. The thought of getting him up and out the door to get his sister to school is enough to exhaust me just thinking about it.

Our nurse put the bug in my ear that she may be relocating out of the area.  I'm so sad for F, and us.  She is a part of our family and we all love and adore her. He gets attached to his nurses, especially the ones who enrich his life so much.  I'm sad because he will be at the mercy of our schedule, not his own if we don't have one in place by then. I'm torn about how to handle the situation.  I also know that the sooner we start looking for nurses the better our chances are in finding one that will click with us or be trained by then.  In home health nursing you sometimes get a lot of nurses you don't want, before you can get one you do want.

This is where I get discouraged in life.  Discouraged because these are the moments that I realize I only have myself to count on.  Sure I have a husband, but he has to work.  Plus, he's accustomed to leaving most everything to me to figure out.  He'll give his input on things and offer to help, but when it comes down to it he doesn't follow-through.  He'll stick his head in the sand and CHOOSE to ignore a lot of things. He's influenced so many decisions and left me to carry the weight of almost all of them.  I'll tell you they get heavy after awhile. Supportive family members... they don't exist.  Friends... no one really comfortable or capable of caring for F.  His care intimidates people...doctors and nurses included sometimes.

So for now, I will cheer C on.  Cherish the remainder of this school year with her.  Prepare to send her off in August.  While trying to come up with a plan.  I need a good solid plan how I'm going to manage this.  One that that's good for her and for F.  F is 18 and if he says he doesn't want to get up and drive her to school at 7:30 in the am.  I really need to listen and figure out how to support him too. Think, think, think...