Friends... Real or superficial?

I've had a lot of unique experiences.  Unique... an interesting label for them.  Most people would probably label tragic, depressing, horrific... you can attach any negative word you would like.  For some reason most people I come in contact with, even those that I would call friends,  seem to think I have the most depressing life.  They've even told me to my face "I'm thankful I don't have your life,"  "I couldn't handle it," "Your so much stronger than I."  My response is always "You realize, I wasn't given a choice." Besides, I think there is a lot of great stuff in my life. I have the fortunate ability to look at the real gems in my life and I'm absolutely grateful for so many things.  I don't form attachments to things that other people do like their stuff.  Because in the grand scheme of things unless someone is dying, my day can't really be that bad.

I am who I am.  I am honest to a fault.  I am very loyal to my family and friends. I'm high strung (you probably would be too).  I lack some of the social politeness or tact that most people want.  I'm reserved.  I don't tell my life story to anyone I meet.  I have to know you well enough before I talk about F or my daughter, Cienna.  If I speak too soon about my life it overwhelms people.  THEY can't handle it.  Plus I get tired of the "your so strong," "I couldn't do it," blah, blah, blah.  Through the years I've learned that there is one constant in life and that is people disappoint or just flat out suck.

I can count on one hand how many friends have actually came through for me when I really needed one.  They tend to say that they want to help or  they offer, but when it comes down too it they are too busy or it was just empty, hallow words.  I can say the same about my mother, brother, and my sister. The other type of friends that I can attract are the ones who judge me for being who I am.  Yet they know nothing about what it's like to walk in my shoes for five minutes.  They just expect me to be like them.  When I'm not, I'm criticized and somehow it becomes some type of reflection on them.

Recently, a friend, or acquaintance would be more appropriate, contacted me.  Said she'd had a dream about me and wanted to see how I was doing.  She has criticized me on more than one occasion for being me.  I've been told the reason I lack a support network or friends is because I don't give people a chance or I don't put myself out there.  Yet, when I try to be myself she gets offended then she dumps on me.  Anyways, when I read her note I had to chuckle to myself and think "I hope I was behaving appropriately in her dream or at least doing something fun." Stupid me, remarked on this in my reply. I should have added an emoticon or something.  I also remarked on my isolation and life as a hermit.  Because I feel like I'm isolated and disconnected, like a hermit, it just happens that way trying to manage the lives of these two children I have.

She just wanted to let me know she cared and then accused me of being angry and holding a grudge in her next reply.  Really?  I'm being true to myself and your going to judge me.  I've finally just had it.  I had not intended to offend or seem negative.  I'm trying to make light of my faults in someone else's eyes.  So "be yourself, put yourself out there, give people an opportunity, blah, blah, blah" was really just a load of crap.  She's not the first to say that stuff to me and then criticize me.  She just does it in a way that is reminiscent of my mother.  I do not make it a habit to maintain relationships that make me feel bad about myself.  I don't need the baggage.  I have other things in my life to make me feel bad.   For example:

1. Worrying about who will take care of my son if I die before him. 
2. The many mornings I FEAR opening my son's door because he's breathing so quietly.  I think to myself as I approach his bed... "I'm not ready, please don't let this be my last moment."  I'm fearful that he may be dead. It's happened like that to other families. They find their special needs child died in their sleep. 
3. I miss my daughter who died from cancer at the age of 3.  I'm accustomed to it, but some days I just REALLY miss her.  It stings. It makes my heart literally ache  (or maybe that's a forty-something heart condition that I need to get check out).

I can take the disappointment of people in stride.  I can take having my feelings hurt.  I've lost something so precious to me, everything else pales in comparison and the odds are in my favor to lose another child before die.  So when it comes down to it I don't give a crap what most people think of me (there are some that I feel close too that I value dearly). But for most until you've suffered some major life or death struggle you really have no perception of what it's like to be me so don't judge me or criticize me for how I handle my situations.  I already KNOW I could do better... but some days I'm just hanging on.

I told that individual that our relationship was like the one I had with my mother.  That I can't catch a break with them. I fall short most of the time and I have to FILTER everything in such a way I compromise myself.  So my solution keep them at arms distance. It's so much safer, and give those robotic responses that make "them" comfortable.

This person then replied with "call me. You've misunderstood. I'm not the evil demon you think I am, blah, blah, blah..." My thoughts are does she care what I think about her.  I don't influence her daily life.  I don't enrich it. I'm a blip on her radar a notation in her prayers. She shouldn't give me so much power.  I don't care what she thinks of me.  Because in the grand scheme of life our relationship has absolutely no influence on my daily life.  It's not a relationship that enriches my life, brings me happiness and joy, it's just another empty, robotic, hollow friendship that has no depth to it.

If your someone I know reading this, please know that if you are my friend,  I don't expect you to understand my life or my perspective.  Let me know you noticed that I "fell of the earth" or "disappeared.  I need a good listener who isn't going to judge me on how I handle my life.  Remember I already know I fall short and can always do better.  Please don't criticize me for being who I am, just be sympathetic to my personality because it's different than yours.  I need a real friend who can do those things, not another superficial one.  I have more of those than I can count.