A head and concrete collide

The last twenty-four hours have been one of my frightening experiences as a mother. Yesterday while at middle school orientation C was standing and waiting for me as I talked to one of F'a therapists who has a chile enrolled at the same school. She said she needed to sit. She slid down the post bumped into something out stood up too quickly and fainted. I proceeded to watch her in slow motion, yet too fast to do anything, fall flat on the concrete and the this that her head made as it impacted the concrete  cannot be erased from my mind. 

As I came to her side she had a fixed look to her eyes and was unresponsive then she became rigid. There were a few moms with me. We rolled her to her side. She became a little rigid and then all at once she came to. She wasn't confused just asked why she was laying o. The ground. The goose egg on the back of her head was the size of a golf ball. Another mom called 911. That one of the longest waits of my life. 

The first responders were great. They talked with her then had her on the back board and neck stabilized and in the ambulance very quickly. Everything moved pretty quick from that point. 

After arriving at the ER, C was assed very quickly. A CT was ordered along with x-rays of her left arm. She had an abrasion on the back of her head thankfully she didn't need stitches. Her arm was swollen and had abrasions on it. I was trying so hard to keep it together all evening. After getting the results of her scans much to my relief no fractures and no visible bleeds. Diagnosis is a concussion. 

I'm not going to get into anymore details of the evening. Except that one resident and another doctor who came from another department to admit her were not skilled in their bedside manners. I've put in my time at the hospitals and I understand there is a process to things and doctors are trying to do their jobs but to forget that tact and patience can go a lot farther when speaking to their patients particularly children and the disabled. 

I'll post again about c's recovery. For now she's doing better. She didn't end up being admitted after getting her nausea under control, sleeping, keeping some juice down, and sleeping for an hour. We got home about 2 am. I learned a lot about the recovery process for concussions it's a slow patient process and nothing to sneeze at. Many prayers are being said for her for a speedy recovery. 

We have chosen a more qualified candidate...

Well shucks! I didn't get that job I REALLY wanted. But hey, I did get an interview which is good considering I have outdated skills.  

I applied for another job as a parent partner for a local non-profit. I would describe it as a family liaison. This would be another great opportunity for me. One of those jobs where I would be able to use my family  experiences to help others. I just hope I can get at least an interview. 

Zone Meet Part II

What an amazing experience!  Hands down the funnest meet I have ever participated in.  First, a huge shout out to all of the individuals involved in planning and organizing this meet.  The host team did an AMAZING job.  I hope they will have an opportunity to host this meet again.  It was such a pleasure to officiate.

What a great team of officials.  I met officials from Washington, Idaho, Colorado, Utah, Montana... and I'm probably going to forget some of the states that some individuals came from.  All the nicest group of people.  I had the pleasure of working as a starter during Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday prelims.  My first day's deck ref (DR) was our local national evaluator.  He's very serious and is not a man of a lot of words so it's taken me a while to get as comfortable around him as I'd like to be.  What I love about him is his love for the sport.  He's worked national decks and officiated for some of our Olympic athletes.  He knows his swimming and I know if I have questions I can always go to him for answers.  After one of our conversations, I realized he really wants us to do our best and to enjoy and love what we do. My second and third days I was paired with another very experienced DR from Colorado.  She was amazing.  She was so great to work with. She gave me scenarios to ponder and think of solutions.  She shared a lot of knowledge with me.  I learned so much. 

I worked the even end of the pool during prelims and there were three teams of us on Friday and Saturday.  The other team was one of our local deck ref/starters and another gentleman who is 91 years old from the Central Valley.  What a sweet heart.  He was a starter and I have to say I loved the sound of his voice when he invited with swimmers with "take your mark."  He has been around the pool deck for over 30 years.  I didn't get the opportunity to speak with him about his officiating career as I had hoped, but I did get a chance to observe him doing what he does.  He's been officiating zone meets for more than fifteen years.  The other starter I enjoyed observing was an amazing starter and had a wonderful voice.  It was great to observe and listen to the calm inviting tone of his voice.  The biggest thing I noticed about the other starters is their consistency of tone.  How each paced themselves based on their eight or nine swimmers in their group.  Some groups of swimmers set themselves faster than others some do not.  Each group is different and requires a different pace.  I loved seeing how the two of them paced their starts. 

I was only needed as a starter during prelims so I had the option of taking the rest of the day off or coming back for finals.  My daughter was having such a great time volunteering that she was not having any of the going home after prelims business she was there to work and have fun.  So I checked with one of the chief judge (CJ) to see if they needed any help.  I knew the meet could use additional help so if they didn't need an official I'd volunteer in another capacity for the host team. Turns out they needed stroke and turn (ST).  So I worked Friday and Saturday finals as an ST.  That was fun.  It gave me the opportunity to get to know many of the other officials and hear about their swimming experiences and where they are from.  I just can't say enough great things about the individuals I worked with.  

I learned many things this weekend, not only about officiating, but about myself.  One of the best lessons I heard was from our oldest official "you do not DQ a swimmer, a swimmer DQ's themselves" we should never feel as though their DQ was our responsibly.  I loved that perspective since there are times when I feel badly about writing those slips, but I know that doing so at an LSC level helps prevent it from happening at a higher caliber meet.  I also learned that I am a good starter, but that if I work at it and continue to work different level meets and with experienced individuals I could possibly be a great starter.  That was a great compliment and I felt very humbled to hear it.  I owe a huge thank you to two encouraging fellow officials, one in particular, that gave me the encouragement to move forward as a starter and I appreciate it so much. 

The Officials
The white shirts in the morning sun did not make for a great photo.

Zones

Another wonderful opportunity has come along.  A USA Swimming Zone meet is being hosted locally.  I have enjoyed my time as a swim official the last few years, particularly as a starter.  A zone meet brings swimmers and officials from many different states together at one meet.  I've been a certified starter since last November or December and have received many complements, but I'm still new.  I decided to apply for a starter position at the zone meet.  I figured I'd end up working stroke and turn, due to the many experienced individuals who would be applying, which would be fine for me.  A national meet of that caliber is a first for me so I'm just happy to participate officiating in any capacity.

Much to my surprise, I was assigned a starter position. I couldn't believe it.  What a nice complement to my skills as a starter.  I still can't believe it.  Now I have nerves. I'm a new starter and I still feel a bit rusty.  It's so important to me to give those swimmers the best start possible.  I know I can do it and with an experienced deck ref the job will be that much easier, because they typically assign those with a lot of experience to these positions.  The meet is next week and I work three of the four days.  It's a big enough deal that they will be have a team official's photo.  I'll have to brush up on my calm "take your mark" this weekend.

I applied for a job... and I got the opportunity to interview

Financially, things have been rough around here.  So I decided I'd just look for a part-time job to bring in some extra funds to help pay off some bills and fund C's activities.  I came across a job posting for a nonpublic agency that provides services to children with autism.  I actually have a friend who works there.  That friend had said many things about that place and in my mind it was a family friendly dream job and if I ever heard they were hiring I'd try to apply.  Well I saw the posting and decided I'd throw my hat into the mix.  

I went on my first job interview yesterday in over 20 years.  It went well and I have a very strong understanding of what they do at this agency.  I also understand the importance of the services they provide.  But... and it's a huge but... it's a full-time position.  I was relieved to hear at the interview that they have a flexible schedule, but full-time.  I think I have a decent shot at the position based on my knowledge base of what it's like to serve and be served as a special needs family.  I feel so honored to have been picked to even interview for this position and if by chance the job were offered to me it would be an honor and a privilege to work for them.  Literally this would be a dream job for me.  But full-time... am I ready?  Is my family ready?  F is ready to kick me out the door and work with his nurse and his team and do his own thing, but C is not.  How would I manage my busy house, C's activities, and a full-time job?  I find I don't have the time to do all of things I'd like to do around my home already.  It is highly likely that they will have a more qualified candidate for the admin position and if they did I completely understand... but if there's a chance oh my what an opportunity. 

Docent for a Day

F really, really wanted to volunteer as a docent at our local zoo.  The unfortunate thing is they require so much that he cannot do and are unwilling to really work with him.  So his educational team, who I cannot sing enough praises about, came up with an alternate solution.  His supervising teacher had her special ed class scheduled for a field trip to the zoo.  F could volunteer to be their docent for the day.  So he and his two paraeducators got to work planning the animals he wanted to provide facts for.

Then his AT/AAC team came and prepared the Dynavox for the trip. They added the facts he wanted for each of his chosen animals.  They had great comments for him to use.  It was really created to use the least amount of energy and pack the most informative docent punch possible.  Then it was up to F to learn the pages, practice, and prepare himself. He had about two weeks to do this after the pages were created. 

The day finally came for the trip to the zoo.  F did amazing.  He communicated appropriately with his switches the entire session.  Was a great role model and was well liked by his teacher's students. He appropriately said he was finished when the visit was complete.  He managed all of his respiratory needs well and had few seizures.  This was a huge success for him and quite an ego boost.  He was so proud and so was his team.  We all believe in F and know that he has the drive and will to succeed with his limitations and it takes the right motivation.

I never thought I'd ever see this day that F would have the tools he needed to be a role model for others.  It was always a dream but in his early years he lacked the support of his school district and teaching staff.  Today he's in charge of his education and it's all about being as independent as possible.  

The Foot, Part II

After seven weeks and one day after the injury to the foot, C declared she was healing and turning a corner.  I almost cancelled the appointment with pediatric orthopedics, but decided not too. It was the following week and just shy of eight weeks from injury date.  I am so glad I kept that appointment.  The orthopedist looked at the x-ray and saw a small hairline fracture in the lateral metatarsal of her foot.  Along with some severe tendonitites of the small tendon from that bone to the growth plate of the foot.  A common area of injury in active kids.  She was indeed set back by lack of treatment in her foot for the first two weeks.  Perhaps the tendonities might not have developed if she'd been diagnosed appropriately and put in a boot.  It also didn't help that, if I didn't misunderstand, the original pediatritian
who read the x-ray didn't have radiology read it.  I'll address that later since I don't really care for that pediatrician at all anyways (a whole other separate story).

C was told to listen to her body.  If she has pain in her foot she needs to back off and rest it.  Protect the foot.  Where the boot when around a lot of people to prevent it from getting stepped on.  Continue with rest, ice, compression, and elevation (RICE).  The doctor assured her that she did not suffer any long term damage to her foot by not being put in a cast right away, it just delayed the healing process.  So it's just really important to not re-injure and to continue to allow it to heal.  She can still swim, but no high impact activities like running, jumping, etc.

I thought C was just being dramatic.  Now I feel horrible, but relieved to know that she really did have an explainable injury to her foot.  I'm also really ticked at the doctor who originally blew off her injury as a sprain and said she'd be better by Monday.  Ticked at myself for not asking him more questions.  Of course, I thought it was like all other injuries that she'd bounce back from in a couple of weeks.

The long course (LC) swim season in USA swimming is April to August.  There are few swim meets during this season.  I think there were four meets prior to the Junior Olympic meet in mid-July.  C had already scratched met two.  I signed her up for an additional meet to make up for it, but she had been swimming a lot with a bouey, not swimming breaststroke, or fly, backstroke minimal, not practicing starts etc.  She started shaving time off here and there.  I think she's only been swimming without a bouey four weeks ago and she starts resting the foot cause it gets tired and achey.  Anyways, she has wanted to qualify for the JO meet in July so badly.  She did today in the 100 free by 0.04 of a second.

C's looking forward to our travel meet and continuing to mend her foot!

Why?

A few weeks ago, I heard through the swim circle about one of the swimmers I had met from our old swim team had relapsed with cancer.  If I remember correctly she was diagnosed the summer of 2011.  I tie this around swim events that I recollect.  She was one of the high school swimmers and from what I hear an amazing wrestler.  I only had a few opportunities to interact with her personally, but I loved the influence she had on my daughter.  Her name is Lauren.  I loved her sparkle and spunk.  I loved so much that she had the courage and passion to participate in a sport that had few women participating in.  She was also an amazing swimmer and just an all around great athlete.  As a mother of a daughter, I couldn't wish for a better role model.  Unfortunately, her first diagnosis removed her from swimming and we would only hear about her progress through the swim social circle.  But she has NEVER been forgotten and she and her family have always remained in our thoughts.

I heard that she relapsed with Ewing Sarcoma and this time around it's more aggressive. Having spent three years in pediatric oncology with my own small child I know this is not good.  I recollect those years in the pediatric oncology life and can't help but wonder why so many of our beautiful children with such amazing spirits, have to be struck with such aggressive diseases.  I believe that all children have potential to do and be amazing, but some just have that something extra special about them.  These young lives with such bright sparks of life seem to be struck more often than those who are unkind, mean spirited, and cruel to others.  Don't get me wrong I do not wish this diagnosis on anyone. It's just an observation.  That suffering does not typically come to those who, I hate to say it, actually, could use a little suffering for the suffering they inflicted upon others.  There I said it.  And in my mind, it's unfair to rob these amazing individuals of the wonder lives they deserve.

Since hearing about Lauren's relapse.  Not only are my thoughts on her and how she must deal with her own illness, but on her parents and her brother.  It's a personal tragedy for each one of them.  They all love her so.  C is deeply bothered and saddened for Lauren.  C never got to meet her own sister who was another amazing person even if her life was very short.  C said I think Lauren is going to be a miracle surprise.  She's going to be like F and live a very long time.  She will show the doctors.  I hope so.  I really do.

Lauren started a blog of her own.  She has such grace.  If you would like to be moved and inspired here is the link.

http://thenotdyinggirl.com

In the grand scheme of life, my problems and worries are so small in comparison.  What we do today does matter and it matters most to those we love.

The Foot

Five weeks ago tomorrow, C injured the side of her foot.  It's right on the bony prominence of the side of her foot.  She had an x-ray to rule out fracture.  It was negative.  Then two weeks later with she was still complaining about her foot.  After seeing it.  She had a HUGE red area around that bony area.  At first I thought that she had something imbedded and potentially abscessing, but it wasn't red and angry enough.  Then I started to think it was a pressure sore.  The doctor referred her for MRI and also put her in a boot at my request.

The MRII results came in negative for anything other than inflammation due to trauma.  She is still to rest and ice the foot.  The foot pain is down from a 9 to now a 3.  She is trying to swim until it gets too painful and then she swims with a bouey.  I've started tanking her for cryo therapy which sees to be the first thing that that has helped since first getting the boot.  I wonder if it's just a bruise on the bone?  The swelling is starting to finally come down, but I'm starting to get frustrated.

C has pulled out of some fun end of year school activities. This sends a clear message to me.  That there is a real problem with the foot.  She has been referred to orthopedics to have them check her injury. All results tell me it's not serious, but....as a mom, I still can't help but wonder what is really going on.

Since I started this draft post, the foot has improved, now her right hip hurts.  Today for the first time she took off the boot.  I think walking lopsided aggravated the hip.  If it's not one thing it's another with this child.  I've told her to drink water along with the other helpful things like ice, ibuprofen, and stretching.  She's just so inconsistent.  The water is the big thing.  She DRIVES me crazy with her lack of drinking anything liquid. Maybe some day she will be injury free.  My fingers are crossed!  

7th Grade Comes to an End

C's first year back in an educational system is finally coming to an end.  She is considered to be an 8th grader now.  This year has not been without it's many challenges.  She bumped into a new group at swim in the beginning of the school year.  Along with a new coach and all new teachers it was quite a year for her.

She did pretty well.  We discovered that she definitely has ADD inattentive form.  It's always been suspected and we tried medication at the beginning of the year.  Since it was her option, she decided she was doing well without it and wanted to stop taking it.  After a rocky few months and some extremely challenging days she began taking the medication again in March... CONSISTENTLY.  I noticed that her grades were stabilizing.  She was surprised she wasn't being told on a regular basis that she wasn't paying attention or listening.  She was was just easier to direct and seemed to be able to keep herself on task.  Teachers noticed an improvement and so did her swim coaches.

It wasn't until recently that I had teachers tell me how forgetful she was with assignments and due dates.   One teacher remarked that she seemed uninterested, but then said she realized she needed more processing time. Others said they'd like to see her more engaged.  One thing I've discovered about private school is that C bored with their curriculum.  She has an A in English which shocked me since having home schooled her I felt her work was C the majority of the time, B at best.  She was in advanced math, taking Algebra as a 7th grader and that was beneficial.  I wish they had advanced science and history.  To look at her report card she is doing well.  It does not reflect the challenges that she has.  Look at the regular assignments and you see where she falters.  Overall, I believe she is extremely bright, but has challenges.  I'm hoping our insurance covers a thorough assessment of her.

I did okay with this year.  There are just some things that I can't handle.  I don't like being told that certain after school activities are "mandatory."  REally?  Isn't that MY time with my child?  You have her all day and you want her after hours for activities.  I realize that with my experiences with F and his school district, that I really am untrusting of any entity that is educating my child.  That their father and I know what is best for them.  That we determine what is mandatory and what is not.  In my mind there are just some things that educational institutions do that I just think are stupid.  I don't like the atmosphere that puts an emphasis on following rules and formats that suit an average majority.  Don't get me wrong, the small Christian private school does a GREAT job overall of focusing on individual children.  It has it's positives and negatives.  I realize there is just no perfect solution and that my experiences have tainted any view I will have of a fair and appropriate education system.  I just can't undo that way of thinking.

We've enrolled her the school again for 8th grade.  She wants to return, but if she continues to tell me how bored she is with the curriculum we may have to make changes.  For now the friendship and learning to work in that environment has been valuable.  I'll wait and see what modifications may be necessary if any with her assessments.

Mean Girls Make Lots of Enemies

In January, I had a falling out with another swim mom.  Our daughters were friends, or so I thought, only to find out that really the daughter was pretty mean.  Anyways, thinking that the mom and I were friends I went to her about the girls talking too much during practice. I felt that it was a distraction to the other swimmers and disrepectiful to the coach.  This mom was so furious that she proceeded to behave badly at a swim meet in front of all of the families.  I was so furious and trying to contain myself that I just started crying.  The hurtful and hateful things this woman said to me at a yell publicly was not only humiliating, but it was embarassing to be treated that way in public.  I made the unfortunate mistake of going to the coach for help and not the meet referee.  Since I'm a USA swim official I know that there is a standard for behavior and she wasn't meeting it. I really should have involved the meet referee handle the situation.  It would have served two purposes, unfortunately my horrible mistake of not doing so.

Anyways, long story short we are no longer friends.  This other mom has signed up to volunteer as an official (which I find quite disturbing because she told me I was a horrible parent for doing so and for dumping  my child on others).  I guess in her mind it's only acceptable for two parent families to step up and volunteer?  Funny thing is a lot of two parent families do not always step up and volunteer. I just hope this parent doesn't use being an official to single out my child.

What I find interesting besides the fact that this mom is now an official.  She is also very chummy with the families that she talked badly about.  She was disrespectful of their desire, and perhaps their children's, to work hard for a swim scholarship. She griped about how cliquey and mean the girls were to her daughter and how poorly they treated her.  She tried to include my daughter in that mess too, but I made sure she understood my daughter had no complaints about the other swimmers and has only had nice things to say about them all. Now they sit in the team area and she's awfully friendly to the other parents.  Perhaps she recognized her behavior and this is her way of saving face somehow.  I'm not really sure, but  I do not believe for a second that any part of this is genuine.  I believe to my core it has a purpose.

The daughter, the mean girl swimmer,  is still mean. Mean girl swimmer never wore a cap in practice.  One day my daughter's cap disappears and it's right after mean girl picks up her gear.  So C asked her if she picked it up.  In the expected snobby fashion this girl says to her "I don't wear caps in practice."  The very next day she starts wearing a cap and has been since. Coincidence perhaps... or perhaps not.  My gut tells me otherwise.

At our last swim meet, we had a chair stolen.  Another swimmer, who is friends with my daughter and former friends of the mean girl swimmer, also had a chair stolen.  Both chairs with our names on them.  Mean girl and family were sitting in a tent right next to where our nice girls were.  In all the years of swimming, I have never had anything stolen.  I've lost and forgotten things, but certainly not stolen.  I personally think that this mean girl had something to do with it. Especially after the story my daughter recently told me about the time she and mean girl swimmer shared a dry locker and a wet locker together at the swim club.  The wet locker had mean girls lock on it.  The dry C's lock.  Apparently after C would fit both gear bags in the locker and left the locker room mean girl would take her gear bag out and throw it in the lost and found.  I recall vividly the time C called me to tell me her bag was stolen only to have me explain to her she must have "forgotten it" pool side because the lock was on the locker.  Never in a million years did I ever suspect mean girl of doing such an intentionally mean thing. She did this to C three times.  It resulted in C's snorkel being stolen and two of her favorite fun caps she kept in her bag.  I felt horrible after she told me this story.

I asked C why she let mean girl do that to her.  She said she liked being able to have room in her locker to keep extra towels.  She knew as soon as her gear bag went in she would lose that luxury.  She said when she stopped sharing the dry locker she took all of mean girls stuff and neatly folded it all, and she had a list by memory that included jewelry, and placed it in mean girls BFF's bag.  She said she could over hear the things they said about her when they returned to the locker room to discover mean girls stuff had been removed.

Sometime within the last two weeks the mean girl accused my daughter of stealing her bag.  C handled it well.  When I talked to another friend about it.  She said "when your mean you make lots of enemies." If that couldn't be more true.  When you talk meanly about people behind their backs.  Think that people are around you to be your servent and errand runner without a thank you.  When you give people mean nick names and they find out about it... you make enemies.

I'll give mean girl credit.  Since she stopped talking and goofing off in her lane and swimming and practicing she's been swimming great.  Hard work does pay off.  I'd just like to know when the mean girls get what they deserve?

The lesson C and I learned, when you have friends like these who needs enemies.  Be careful who you friend and trust around the pool, their motives may not always be genuine.

You Can't Handle the Truth

Our society has completely lowered the standard on manners and courtesies.  These days we seem to tolerate so many things.  My daughter has been participating in a play at school.  I've spent a lot of time volunteering backstage.  It's probably 50/50 for the number of kids that say thank you or please.  Don't get me wrong they are kind, but the manners are lacking. I hear many adults each day give orders or requests to children and adults without saying please or thank you.  I'm guilty as well.

I had one mom just barrel over me as I was sitting in a chair watching the rehearsal without even saying "excuse me" not to mention her giant purse that hit me in the head.  She was totally oblivious.  Two days later as I'm speaking with one of the students she walks right between us.  Not one word is spoken by her.  Again, she runs me over with her giant purse.  That's it I've had enough.  I speak up and say "Excuse me goes along ways and if your going to carry a giant purse like that, you need to be aware of just how much space it requires."  She humored me with a an unappreciative "So sorry dear" with a lame pat on my arm.  Then proceeds to exit and go ask another mom if I'm always that rude.  

Why is it considered rude to other people when you speak up for yourself?  If I wouldn't tolerate this behavior from my child, why should I have to tolerate it from another adult?  We all walk this earth and being courteous to others is something we should do each day.  

I've had my son with me and his wheelchair is heavy.  I've had to hold a heavy door and navigate him in his wheelchair through the door. I can't count how many people step in front of him to squeak past us through,  before I get him in the door.  How about the adults that  stand there and watch us struggle.  I can't even count how any times a door has been shut in our faces because people do not hold doors.  

I've watched the disabled and the elderly struggle with bags or to reach something up high.  When I see them I ask if I can help. But in the process,  I've watched many people completely stare at them struggling and do NOTHING!  What's wrong with people??? 

I'm just so sick of it.  It drives me crazy.  So when I see those offenses towards those who need the assistance or when someone is rude to me why should I bite my tongue?  To hold my tongue sends the message to my children that I think it's acceptable and it certainly is NOT!

I'm back!

I have once again abandoned this blog again.I have so many draft posts that I just never found the time to complete and post. So much has happened since I last wrote. I did the marathon in December. The flu was rampant in my household in early January which resulted in R and F being sicker than I'd seen either of them in years. I made my first ever 911 call and it wasn't for F during that long month of illness.

Swimming has been interesting. I became a certified starter in my LSC. I watched Cerise struggle i the water and out. I had a run in with another swim parent. My sweet C began taking ADD meds consistently.

I had my first drama experience with C. She auditioned for a play at school and was given three small parts. This has been an interesting adventure.

R and I committed to color in our house. We still haven't finished the kitchen floor, but we have much more solid plan.

We had two milestone birthdays with F turning 20 and my sweet girl 13. The teen years are fast upon us. My list goes on and on.

I'll do my best to highlight the most important things since it is now May and looking back it all sees a blur. Now if only I could figure out where to begin.

F's Fascination with the ocean

My boy has loved all things oceanic from as far back as I can remember.  He studied the blue whale extensively.  He's probably watched every National Geographic episode on the ocean.  He just loves everything about the sea from it's residents, to those who explore it, to the heart break of those who try to destroy it.  It ALL interests him. 

After a trip to a local aquarium store, F now wants  saltwater fish tank.  He wants a clown fish and an anemone, a starfish, a shrimp. His list goes on and on.  He's in love with the idea.  He could just sit and watch them for hours 

He's always enjoyed aquariums but it is at an all time high.  Upon further thinking about it... I finally realized that his fascination is more a tug of his heart strings and reminiscent of his sister, Cienna.  When she was alive the we took two family trips to the beach.  After she died we took some of her ashes to the ocean.  When he thinks of the ocean and all that it has it reminds him of her.  It brings him comfort and helps him remember those trips.  They are mixed with both happy and sadness.  F will never again go to the ocean.  We can't get him on the beach his wheelchair doesn't accommodate and he doesn't travel well due to his cp and dislocated hips.  A saltwater tank brings a bit of the ocean home.  I finally fully got what he's drawn to.  I get it completely.  I understand.  

Now I'm on a mission to find this boy a saltwater aquarium... hopefully one that is already established that we would need to move.  But where to put it in my house is a completely different story!  

Mission on!

How NOT to train for a marathon!

So my marathon is next Sunday.  I am filled with such self doubt.  I trained poorly.  I did all of the things I know NOT to do.  I didn't maintain my weekly mileage due to commitments to the kids and their schedules and that darn Algebra class I signed up for.  I didn't practice my nutrition and hydration. I didn't follow my training plan to the letter.  I didn't train early in the morning. The list goes on and on.

My long runs had too many days between them.  Some long runs had at least two weeks in between.  My longest runs the 18, and two 20's were a disaster.  My 18 was in rain almost the whole time.  Forgot my nutrition, hydration, and garmin.  That was maddening.  On my 20 it was a train wreck forgot to bring my nutrition and hydration again.  My last 20 I didn't even do due to my schedule. They took mental strength that I really had to pull from my toes since I feel like my mental strength and fortitude has been depleted this year (by my family). 

I trained alone.  That was a HUGE mistake.  I know a pack of people, some I used to call friends, training for this race... Yet I couldn't find a training partner.  I guess I should have looked at the obvious they didn't want to train with me.  I realize the hard core mental space you need to be in to be where they are and it's not me any more.  My family comes first every day... not saying their's doesn't it's just a different kind of first.  

So here I am unprepared and unmotivated to actually run this 26.2 mile race.  It's challenging to motivate yourself.  Having individuals behind you whether it's running next to you or telling you "you got this or you can do it" is so mentally helpful.  I have a choice I can suffer through 26.2 or I can run as far as I can until my body says no more and call it a day.  There will be no one at the finish line waiting for me so really other than my own self satisfaction, which lately is just doesn't feel like enough, what's the point.  There is also the example I set for my daughter that is mind over matter , make it happen even if it hurts, reach your goal, etc.  

Ugh... 26.2 seems overwhelming from where I sit.  

Another ruptured ear drum for F

After bringing C home from swim practice I noticed F was coughing.  It gradually began to increase through the evening.  I finally realized he's catching a cold.  Darn!  When I went in to wash his face there was blood on the washcloth.  It was coming from his ear.  So not only had he begun coughing somehow he'd soldiered on through some significant ear pressure and pain to tolerate a ruptured ear drum without so much as a grumble.

A trip to the doctor confirmed a significant rupture in the drum.  Poor F... I worry that scarring could inhibit his hearing.  It is his strongest sense.  This is the second for the year.  He had another in January.  He's such a trooper though.  He rarely complains.  He has such a remarkable attitude.  I just pray that this will heal quickly and we can help him prevent the ear pressure/rupture again.

So F gets a five day course of antibiotic and high dose prednisone burst.  I hope his tummy doesn't give him grief.  I also hope the prednisone burst doesn't bring super grumpiness and insomnia.  He's unbearable when he's under the influence of prednisone burst.

I'm hoping my boy recovers quickly from his illness so that he can enjoy all of the football the Thanksgiving holiday has to offer.

F is a first time voter!

F took so much pride in participating in the democratic process. I think he followed all topics and candidates far closer than I did. He is now glued to the news watching tentative results roll in. This was as exciting to him as the Giants winning the World Series and it lasted all day.

30 days of Gratitude

November is a month of thanks and gratitude.


Friday, November 30
Thankful for the break in the weather that we got at our swim meet in Woodland.  It's tough to stay warm when it's raining and windy.

Thursday, November 29
I am thankful to eek out a 6 mile run.  I needed 8... but the fact that I squeezed in this mileage among all of my mom duties makes me pretty lucky.

Wednesday, November 28
So incredibly thankful beyond words that F is feeling better the last couple of days.  His smile literally lights up my life!

Tuesday, November 27
I am very thankful for a great couples counseling session with R.  We are actually making progress.

Monday, November 26
Thankful that I am able to care for F when he is sick.

Sunday, November 25,
Thankful that F is coughing and wheezing less.  He's sick again on the heels of a cold he caught last Monday and this one packs more punch.  So far a trip to the ER has been avoided and for that I am SO incredibly grateful!

Saturday, November 24
Thankful that I was able to finally start C's infinity scarf after three attempts of getting my starting circle twisted.  I'm also thankful for the time she took to help me make patterns for some handmade items we are sewing for F.

Friday, November 23
Thankful to have NOT participated in Black Friday.  It contributes to greed and breaks down family traditions.

Thanksgiving Day, November 22
Thankful for the day I spent with my family.  We are so fortunate to have each other, a warm place to lay our heads, and food to fill our bellies.

November 21
So thankful and grateful that my kids are feeling better. It's a fever free day.  Glorious!

November 20
Today I am thankful that my official clipboard was found at the last swim meet.  Now I just have to arrange to get it back, but it's been found!! So thrilled about that.

November 19
I am thankful for my friend Rachel.  She ran 10 miles with me today.  I was due to run 12, but was feeling under the weather.  It was so great to have her company and her friendship.

November 18
Thankful to C for her great swims and wonderful support of my USAS starter training.  She stuck it out  an afternoon session so that I could put in an additional training session as a starter.

November 17
Thankful for the kind and helpful USA swim officials I worked with today.  They added humor and levity to a cold, windy, rainy day of starter training.

November 16
Thankful to have what felt like an easy Algebra midterm.  Especially, after I studied and reviewed the wrong unit for the test.

November 15
Thankful for my friend, Caroline and the time I had to meet her for lunch.

November 14
Thankful for my F's music therapy teacher who understands him through music.  She described him today as Frank Sinatra reincarnated. :)

November 13
Thankful for the family that carpools my daughter home from swim practice.

November 12
Thankful for an extra day with my girl due to the holiday.

November 11
Thankful for for the ability to check of many things on my to do list.

November 10
Thankful for a nice quiet Saturday at home with my family.

November 9
Thankful for a nice run at the trail.

November 8
I am thankful for the day I spent with F and his teacher Naomi yesterday.  What great fun we had creating terrariums together.

November 7
Today I am thankful the election is OVER!  No more political ads on tv or in my mailbox.  I can now answer the phone again without worrying about someone on the other end trying to convince me to vote a specific way.  The election ad campaign is the BIGGEST waste of money.  We will never know what those millions of dollars could have done for our country and it's people.

November 6
I am thankful for two things.  First, my right as a women to vote.  Second, my baby sister.  Today is her birthday.  Although we  no longer have a functioning relationship, I am grateful for all of my wonderful memories of our good times together.  Wishing her the most happy birthday possible.

November 5
I am thankful for Cienna and all that she brought into my life.

November 4
I am thankful for an entire day at home with my family.

November 3
I am thankful for Karen her friendship and her love for me.

November 2
I am thankful that I had the ability to push through an eight mile run when I didn't want to do anything.

November 1
I am thankful for the kindness extended to me by my husband.

November 5, 1997

Fifteen years ago this morning I boarded a plane at the local airport bound for CHLA with my daughter, Cienna.  This would be her first MRI appointment since the scan in spring that detected extra ocular retinoblastoma.  After a difficult few months of chemotherapy that would assault her small body followed by four grueling weeks of radiation, Cienna was beginning to have energy and strength.  The treatment had weakened her so much and turned her skin to such a pale color.  She had curly blond hair and was so excited about it. I felt hopeful and optimistic when we boarded that plane together.  We left behind R and F for the trip.

We arrived at CHLA and  headed to radiology and went through the process of getting the MRI completed. In some ways these trips were like seeing old friends.  After spending three years in and out of this hospital you build relationships.  I didn't have to wait long for the results.  I was on friendly terms with the radiologist.  While Cienna recovered from sedation with the nurses, the radiologist hung the scans and looked at them with me right there on the spot.  What would come out of his mouth rocked me to my core.  I can still here his words echoing through my mind.  "Her eye looks great.  What concerns me is all of this..." as he points to spots on her brain.  It took me a minute to realize what he was telling me.  More was said to me and then he immediately left to go call the oncologist with the results. I left to make a phone call.

I can remember making my long distance call from a pay phone in the hospital's waiting area to give R the results.  I had to call him at work.  First, question for him was the same "How is her eye?" only to have me tell him "The eye looks great, but there is a brain tumor." This was the worst phone call I have ever made.

Cienna awoke from sedation.  As I looked at her she had no symptoms.  She felt great.  The process of her metastatic retinoblastoma would be explained to me in more detail later.  I could not grasp how she was bouncing back and was just handed a death sentence the two did not match.  Words that would later echo in my ears would be the oncologist telling me at the rate of presentation he estimates "three months." I could not imagine, nor could I actually grasp what was said to me. The doctor would be correct... she would die at home February 5th, 1998.  November 5th was simply the beginning of the end.  Cienna's clock was literally ticking down and every minute counted.

Today's "to do" list includes a 20 mile run... UGH!

Today's plan is to get the girl to school and head to the boring, and monotonous bike trail to run 20 miles.  This is part of my training plan for the upcoming marathon on December 2nd.  I've been training alone for this marathon since the mileage exceeds a distance  my dog's can run with me.  The miles are long tedious and boring.  Mentally I'm trying to get myself out of this marathon. When I signed up earlier in the year for the race I'd had a group of what I thought were friends training for it.  Friends come and go with the ebb and flow of your life. It wasn't in my plan to train alone.  It's been a true test of mental toughness for sure.

I'll update the iPhone for the mileage. I'll put on my two favorite podcasts "Stuff You Should Know" and "This American Life."   I'll get to learn interesting things and be entertained by Josh and Chuck's random topics.  Ira Glass is sure to have some very interesting shows to entertain me as well.  I love the stories about people's experiences.  They will help tick away the miles until my feet and legs hurt and I just want to quit.  Then I'll switch to some upbeat music and literally WILL myself to finish.  

The salmon are running perhaps I'll catch a glimpse of them doing their thing along the river.  The fisherman have been out in full force, along with the vultures.  The deer and squirrels are preparing for winter and you can tell.  Although, in this part of California we don't really have winter. 

Hopefully, today will help me clear my head and mull my life's problems over.  Reflect on my memories of my sweet girl and think about what unknowns lie ahead.  That's the best part of running, it helps you work through what's really bugging you.  Lately the biggest decision on my personal plate is whether or not to consider speaking to my doctor about medication.  I'm a highly anxious person and I'm thinking my anxiety is out of control.  Or perhaps I'm just depressed.  So many people tell me that I am; therefore, I must be... right?  

I'm off to start my busy day... with lackluster enthusiasm.