Today I woke up feeling incredibly overwhelmed and lonely. I feel completely emotional and I've had tears streaming for the last hour. I have days like this occasionally, but it's been some time. I am worn down. The individuals who used to be my closest friends have lives that have transitioned into different places. They have become incredibly busy and my schedule no loner fits theirs or they have formed friendships that are more purposeful for them. I know that friendship comes in cycles... I KNOW this. I long for those friendships and the escape they provided from my daily life.
Today, I also feel that overwhelming sadness of having not a single family member who has supported me or does support me in any way. I look around at most people I know and many of them have a parent they can call for moral support or even siblings. My sister who lives locally doesn't have at the time in her day to send anything more than a Facebook post or an occasional email. I finally had to stop calling and trying to coordinate get togethers with her and her girls because the rejection became just to painful. It's a hard pill to swallow that your own sister really doesn't want anything to do with you or your children. She's never said it. The only thing she'll admit to is being bad at maintaining relationships. The truth is we make time for the people we care enough about to make time for. My mother... we don't get a long. She sends guilt money occasionally which I will happily accept simply for what it is. But really, she's done her own damage to not only myself, but my kids. I've tried to move beyond it, but there are times when it's just hard. It goes back to that saying we make time for the people we care enough about to make time for... I guess I don't care enough about my relationship with her to make time for it. My brother completely superficial and I think his sexist. Enough said.
I'm overwhelmed worrying about college, planning for retirement, trying to think of ways to get out from under debt... the list goes on. I'm also overwhelmed by the thought that if I were in crisis who would I call. You know... I can't think of one person I'd call first. Well, okay one... maybe two or three. But that's it. My reality is that I have not one physical person in my life that I feel I can count on in crisis. That thought alone overwhelms me. I'm isolated and lonely... I know this feeling will pass, but right now it's painful and it's real!
