Mean Girls Make Lots of Enemies

In January, I had a falling out with another swim mom.  Our daughters were friends, or so I thought, only to find out that really the daughter was pretty mean.  Anyways, thinking that the mom and I were friends I went to her about the girls talking too much during practice. I felt that it was a distraction to the other swimmers and disrepectiful to the coach.  This mom was so furious that she proceeded to behave badly at a swim meet in front of all of the families.  I was so furious and trying to contain myself that I just started crying.  The hurtful and hateful things this woman said to me at a yell publicly was not only humiliating, but it was embarassing to be treated that way in public.  I made the unfortunate mistake of going to the coach for help and not the meet referee.  Since I'm a USA swim official I know that there is a standard for behavior and she wasn't meeting it. I really should have involved the meet referee handle the situation.  It would have served two purposes, unfortunately my horrible mistake of not doing so.

Anyways, long story short we are no longer friends.  This other mom has signed up to volunteer as an official (which I find quite disturbing because she told me I was a horrible parent for doing so and for dumping  my child on others).  I guess in her mind it's only acceptable for two parent families to step up and volunteer?  Funny thing is a lot of two parent families do not always step up and volunteer. I just hope this parent doesn't use being an official to single out my child.

What I find interesting besides the fact that this mom is now an official.  She is also very chummy with the families that she talked badly about.  She was disrespectful of their desire, and perhaps their children's, to work hard for a swim scholarship. She griped about how cliquey and mean the girls were to her daughter and how poorly they treated her.  She tried to include my daughter in that mess too, but I made sure she understood my daughter had no complaints about the other swimmers and has only had nice things to say about them all. Now they sit in the team area and she's awfully friendly to the other parents.  Perhaps she recognized her behavior and this is her way of saving face somehow.  I'm not really sure, but  I do not believe for a second that any part of this is genuine.  I believe to my core it has a purpose.

The daughter, the mean girl swimmer,  is still mean. Mean girl swimmer never wore a cap in practice.  One day my daughter's cap disappears and it's right after mean girl picks up her gear.  So C asked her if she picked it up.  In the expected snobby fashion this girl says to her "I don't wear caps in practice."  The very next day she starts wearing a cap and has been since. Coincidence perhaps... or perhaps not.  My gut tells me otherwise.

At our last swim meet, we had a chair stolen.  Another swimmer, who is friends with my daughter and former friends of the mean girl swimmer, also had a chair stolen.  Both chairs with our names on them.  Mean girl and family were sitting in a tent right next to where our nice girls were.  In all the years of swimming, I have never had anything stolen.  I've lost and forgotten things, but certainly not stolen.  I personally think that this mean girl had something to do with it. Especially after the story my daughter recently told me about the time she and mean girl swimmer shared a dry locker and a wet locker together at the swim club.  The wet locker had mean girls lock on it.  The dry C's lock.  Apparently after C would fit both gear bags in the locker and left the locker room mean girl would take her gear bag out and throw it in the lost and found.  I recall vividly the time C called me to tell me her bag was stolen only to have me explain to her she must have "forgotten it" pool side because the lock was on the locker.  Never in a million years did I ever suspect mean girl of doing such an intentionally mean thing. She did this to C three times.  It resulted in C's snorkel being stolen and two of her favorite fun caps she kept in her bag.  I felt horrible after she told me this story.

I asked C why she let mean girl do that to her.  She said she liked being able to have room in her locker to keep extra towels.  She knew as soon as her gear bag went in she would lose that luxury.  She said when she stopped sharing the dry locker she took all of mean girls stuff and neatly folded it all, and she had a list by memory that included jewelry, and placed it in mean girls BFF's bag.  She said she could over hear the things they said about her when they returned to the locker room to discover mean girls stuff had been removed.

Sometime within the last two weeks the mean girl accused my daughter of stealing her bag.  C handled it well.  When I talked to another friend about it.  She said "when your mean you make lots of enemies." If that couldn't be more true.  When you talk meanly about people behind their backs.  Think that people are around you to be your servent and errand runner without a thank you.  When you give people mean nick names and they find out about it... you make enemies.

I'll give mean girl credit.  Since she stopped talking and goofing off in her lane and swimming and practicing she's been swimming great.  Hard work does pay off.  I'd just like to know when the mean girls get what they deserve?

The lesson C and I learned, when you have friends like these who needs enemies.  Be careful who you friend and trust around the pool, their motives may not always be genuine.

Friends... Real or superficial?

I've had a lot of unique experiences.  Unique... an interesting label for them.  Most people would probably label tragic, depressing, horrific... you can attach any negative word you would like.  For some reason most people I come in contact with, even those that I would call friends,  seem to think I have the most depressing life.  They've even told me to my face "I'm thankful I don't have your life,"  "I couldn't handle it," "Your so much stronger than I."  My response is always "You realize, I wasn't given a choice." Besides, I think there is a lot of great stuff in my life. I have the fortunate ability to look at the real gems in my life and I'm absolutely grateful for so many things.  I don't form attachments to things that other people do like their stuff.  Because in the grand scheme of things unless someone is dying, my day can't really be that bad.

I am who I am.  I am honest to a fault.  I am very loyal to my family and friends. I'm high strung (you probably would be too).  I lack some of the social politeness or tact that most people want.  I'm reserved.  I don't tell my life story to anyone I meet.  I have to know you well enough before I talk about F or my daughter, Cienna.  If I speak too soon about my life it overwhelms people.  THEY can't handle it.  Plus I get tired of the "your so strong," "I couldn't do it," blah, blah, blah.  Through the years I've learned that there is one constant in life and that is people disappoint or just flat out suck.

I can count on one hand how many friends have actually came through for me when I really needed one.  They tend to say that they want to help or  they offer, but when it comes down too it they are too busy or it was just empty, hallow words.  I can say the same about my mother, brother, and my sister. The other type of friends that I can attract are the ones who judge me for being who I am.  Yet they know nothing about what it's like to walk in my shoes for five minutes.  They just expect me to be like them.  When I'm not, I'm criticized and somehow it becomes some type of reflection on them.

Recently, a friend, or acquaintance would be more appropriate, contacted me.  Said she'd had a dream about me and wanted to see how I was doing.  She has criticized me on more than one occasion for being me.  I've been told the reason I lack a support network or friends is because I don't give people a chance or I don't put myself out there.  Yet, when I try to be myself she gets offended then she dumps on me.  Anyways, when I read her note I had to chuckle to myself and think "I hope I was behaving appropriately in her dream or at least doing something fun." Stupid me, remarked on this in my reply. I should have added an emoticon or something.  I also remarked on my isolation and life as a hermit.  Because I feel like I'm isolated and disconnected, like a hermit, it just happens that way trying to manage the lives of these two children I have.

She just wanted to let me know she cared and then accused me of being angry and holding a grudge in her next reply.  Really?  I'm being true to myself and your going to judge me.  I've finally just had it.  I had not intended to offend or seem negative.  I'm trying to make light of my faults in someone else's eyes.  So "be yourself, put yourself out there, give people an opportunity, blah, blah, blah" was really just a load of crap.  She's not the first to say that stuff to me and then criticize me.  She just does it in a way that is reminiscent of my mother.  I do not make it a habit to maintain relationships that make me feel bad about myself.  I don't need the baggage.  I have other things in my life to make me feel bad.   For example:

1. Worrying about who will take care of my son if I die before him. 
2. The many mornings I FEAR opening my son's door because he's breathing so quietly.  I think to myself as I approach his bed... "I'm not ready, please don't let this be my last moment."  I'm fearful that he may be dead. It's happened like that to other families. They find their special needs child died in their sleep. 
3. I miss my daughter who died from cancer at the age of 3.  I'm accustomed to it, but some days I just REALLY miss her.  It stings. It makes my heart literally ache  (or maybe that's a forty-something heart condition that I need to get check out).

I can take the disappointment of people in stride.  I can take having my feelings hurt.  I've lost something so precious to me, everything else pales in comparison and the odds are in my favor to lose another child before die.  So when it comes down to it I don't give a crap what most people think of me (there are some that I feel close too that I value dearly). But for most until you've suffered some major life or death struggle you really have no perception of what it's like to be me so don't judge me or criticize me for how I handle my situations.  I already KNOW I could do better... but some days I'm just hanging on.

I told that individual that our relationship was like the one I had with my mother.  That I can't catch a break with them. I fall short most of the time and I have to FILTER everything in such a way I compromise myself.  So my solution keep them at arms distance. It's so much safer, and give those robotic responses that make "them" comfortable.

This person then replied with "call me. You've misunderstood. I'm not the evil demon you think I am, blah, blah, blah..." My thoughts are does she care what I think about her.  I don't influence her daily life.  I don't enrich it. I'm a blip on her radar a notation in her prayers. She shouldn't give me so much power.  I don't care what she thinks of me.  Because in the grand scheme of life our relationship has absolutely no influence on my daily life.  It's not a relationship that enriches my life, brings me happiness and joy, it's just another empty, robotic, hollow friendship that has no depth to it.

If your someone I know reading this, please know that if you are my friend,  I don't expect you to understand my life or my perspective.  Let me know you noticed that I "fell of the earth" or "disappeared.  I need a good listener who isn't going to judge me on how I handle my life.  Remember I already know I fall short and can always do better.  Please don't criticize me for being who I am, just be sympathetic to my personality because it's different than yours.  I need a real friend who can do those things, not another superficial one.  I have more of those than I can count.

Some Things are Better Left Unsaid

So I recently found out that a former friend of mine (note the word "former") has recently announced that she's expecting. I'm super excited for her. Being a mom has been the best job of my life. I've tried to stay connected with this friend here and there. She was my training partner for a year or two and we logged tons of miles on our feet and on our bikes. Spending that much time together you become pretty good friends.

When I started having to cut back on training because my kids needed me things began to fizzle. She dropped me so fast and pretty much stopped contacting me. I was fairly hurt by te fact that I was pretty disposable since I thought we were pretty good friends.

So this past couple of weeks we've been communicating via email. We had scheduled on the calendar a time to meet up for coffee or go to lunch. We confirmed the day before and te next day she kind of left me hanging. She wasn't feeling well only to find out later it was due to the morning sickness.ok I'll give her that, but not even a call or text message to cancel?

Recently we were talking about a half-marathon in an email conversation. I mention who I planned on running. I get a reply that states the friend I plan on running with is riding in the limo with them to the race. Ok, I'm not looking for an invite or anything,  but really she has to tell me she's doing something fun and fabulous with a group of people and drive home the fact that I'm not invited.  Was it to make me feel bad? Was it to point out that my life is isolating or I suck as a friend so no one wants to include me.

I can remember early in our friendship. The whining and crying over one of her now best friends and how that individual treated her. How they made her feel badly about herself. Clearly she doesn't recall what that feels like.  I think I'm completely over this friend.