How NOT to train for a marathon!

So my marathon is next Sunday.  I am filled with such self doubt.  I trained poorly.  I did all of the things I know NOT to do.  I didn't maintain my weekly mileage due to commitments to the kids and their schedules and that darn Algebra class I signed up for.  I didn't practice my nutrition and hydration. I didn't follow my training plan to the letter.  I didn't train early in the morning. The list goes on and on.

My long runs had too many days between them.  Some long runs had at least two weeks in between.  My longest runs the 18, and two 20's were a disaster.  My 18 was in rain almost the whole time.  Forgot my nutrition, hydration, and garmin.  That was maddening.  On my 20 it was a train wreck forgot to bring my nutrition and hydration again.  My last 20 I didn't even do due to my schedule. They took mental strength that I really had to pull from my toes since I feel like my mental strength and fortitude has been depleted this year (by my family). 

I trained alone.  That was a HUGE mistake.  I know a pack of people, some I used to call friends, training for this race... Yet I couldn't find a training partner.  I guess I should have looked at the obvious they didn't want to train with me.  I realize the hard core mental space you need to be in to be where they are and it's not me any more.  My family comes first every day... not saying their's doesn't it's just a different kind of first.  

So here I am unprepared and unmotivated to actually run this 26.2 mile race.  It's challenging to motivate yourself.  Having individuals behind you whether it's running next to you or telling you "you got this or you can do it" is so mentally helpful.  I have a choice I can suffer through 26.2 or I can run as far as I can until my body says no more and call it a day.  There will be no one at the finish line waiting for me so really other than my own self satisfaction, which lately is just doesn't feel like enough, what's the point.  There is also the example I set for my daughter that is mind over matter , make it happen even if it hurts, reach your goal, etc.  

Ugh... 26.2 seems overwhelming from where I sit.  

Another ruptured ear drum for F

After bringing C home from swim practice I noticed F was coughing.  It gradually began to increase through the evening.  I finally realized he's catching a cold.  Darn!  When I went in to wash his face there was blood on the washcloth.  It was coming from his ear.  So not only had he begun coughing somehow he'd soldiered on through some significant ear pressure and pain to tolerate a ruptured ear drum without so much as a grumble.

A trip to the doctor confirmed a significant rupture in the drum.  Poor F... I worry that scarring could inhibit his hearing.  It is his strongest sense.  This is the second for the year.  He had another in January.  He's such a trooper though.  He rarely complains.  He has such a remarkable attitude.  I just pray that this will heal quickly and we can help him prevent the ear pressure/rupture again.

So F gets a five day course of antibiotic and high dose prednisone burst.  I hope his tummy doesn't give him grief.  I also hope the prednisone burst doesn't bring super grumpiness and insomnia.  He's unbearable when he's under the influence of prednisone burst.

I'm hoping my boy recovers quickly from his illness so that he can enjoy all of the football the Thanksgiving holiday has to offer.

F is a first time voter!

F took so much pride in participating in the democratic process. I think he followed all topics and candidates far closer than I did. He is now glued to the news watching tentative results roll in. This was as exciting to him as the Giants winning the World Series and it lasted all day.

30 days of Gratitude

November is a month of thanks and gratitude.


Friday, November 30
Thankful for the break in the weather that we got at our swim meet in Woodland.  It's tough to stay warm when it's raining and windy.

Thursday, November 29
I am thankful to eek out a 6 mile run.  I needed 8... but the fact that I squeezed in this mileage among all of my mom duties makes me pretty lucky.

Wednesday, November 28
So incredibly thankful beyond words that F is feeling better the last couple of days.  His smile literally lights up my life!

Tuesday, November 27
I am very thankful for a great couples counseling session with R.  We are actually making progress.

Monday, November 26
Thankful that I am able to care for F when he is sick.

Sunday, November 25,
Thankful that F is coughing and wheezing less.  He's sick again on the heels of a cold he caught last Monday and this one packs more punch.  So far a trip to the ER has been avoided and for that I am SO incredibly grateful!

Saturday, November 24
Thankful that I was able to finally start C's infinity scarf after three attempts of getting my starting circle twisted.  I'm also thankful for the time she took to help me make patterns for some handmade items we are sewing for F.

Friday, November 23
Thankful to have NOT participated in Black Friday.  It contributes to greed and breaks down family traditions.

Thanksgiving Day, November 22
Thankful for the day I spent with my family.  We are so fortunate to have each other, a warm place to lay our heads, and food to fill our bellies.

November 21
So thankful and grateful that my kids are feeling better. It's a fever free day.  Glorious!

November 20
Today I am thankful that my official clipboard was found at the last swim meet.  Now I just have to arrange to get it back, but it's been found!! So thrilled about that.

November 19
I am thankful for my friend Rachel.  She ran 10 miles with me today.  I was due to run 12, but was feeling under the weather.  It was so great to have her company and her friendship.

November 18
Thankful to C for her great swims and wonderful support of my USAS starter training.  She stuck it out  an afternoon session so that I could put in an additional training session as a starter.

November 17
Thankful for the kind and helpful USA swim officials I worked with today.  They added humor and levity to a cold, windy, rainy day of starter training.

November 16
Thankful to have what felt like an easy Algebra midterm.  Especially, after I studied and reviewed the wrong unit for the test.

November 15
Thankful for my friend, Caroline and the time I had to meet her for lunch.

November 14
Thankful for my F's music therapy teacher who understands him through music.  She described him today as Frank Sinatra reincarnated. :)

November 13
Thankful for the family that carpools my daughter home from swim practice.

November 12
Thankful for an extra day with my girl due to the holiday.

November 11
Thankful for for the ability to check of many things on my to do list.

November 10
Thankful for a nice quiet Saturday at home with my family.

November 9
Thankful for a nice run at the trail.

November 8
I am thankful for the day I spent with F and his teacher Naomi yesterday.  What great fun we had creating terrariums together.

November 7
Today I am thankful the election is OVER!  No more political ads on tv or in my mailbox.  I can now answer the phone again without worrying about someone on the other end trying to convince me to vote a specific way.  The election ad campaign is the BIGGEST waste of money.  We will never know what those millions of dollars could have done for our country and it's people.

November 6
I am thankful for two things.  First, my right as a women to vote.  Second, my baby sister.  Today is her birthday.  Although we  no longer have a functioning relationship, I am grateful for all of my wonderful memories of our good times together.  Wishing her the most happy birthday possible.

November 5
I am thankful for Cienna and all that she brought into my life.

November 4
I am thankful for an entire day at home with my family.

November 3
I am thankful for Karen her friendship and her love for me.

November 2
I am thankful that I had the ability to push through an eight mile run when I didn't want to do anything.

November 1
I am thankful for the kindness extended to me by my husband.

November 5, 1997

Fifteen years ago this morning I boarded a plane at the local airport bound for CHLA with my daughter, Cienna.  This would be her first MRI appointment since the scan in spring that detected extra ocular retinoblastoma.  After a difficult few months of chemotherapy that would assault her small body followed by four grueling weeks of radiation, Cienna was beginning to have energy and strength.  The treatment had weakened her so much and turned her skin to such a pale color.  She had curly blond hair and was so excited about it. I felt hopeful and optimistic when we boarded that plane together.  We left behind R and F for the trip.

We arrived at CHLA and  headed to radiology and went through the process of getting the MRI completed. In some ways these trips were like seeing old friends.  After spending three years in and out of this hospital you build relationships.  I didn't have to wait long for the results.  I was on friendly terms with the radiologist.  While Cienna recovered from sedation with the nurses, the radiologist hung the scans and looked at them with me right there on the spot.  What would come out of his mouth rocked me to my core.  I can still here his words echoing through my mind.  "Her eye looks great.  What concerns me is all of this..." as he points to spots on her brain.  It took me a minute to realize what he was telling me.  More was said to me and then he immediately left to go call the oncologist with the results. I left to make a phone call.

I can remember making my long distance call from a pay phone in the hospital's waiting area to give R the results.  I had to call him at work.  First, question for him was the same "How is her eye?" only to have me tell him "The eye looks great, but there is a brain tumor." This was the worst phone call I have ever made.

Cienna awoke from sedation.  As I looked at her she had no symptoms.  She felt great.  The process of her metastatic retinoblastoma would be explained to me in more detail later.  I could not grasp how she was bouncing back and was just handed a death sentence the two did not match.  Words that would later echo in my ears would be the oncologist telling me at the rate of presentation he estimates "three months." I could not imagine, nor could I actually grasp what was said to me. The doctor would be correct... she would die at home February 5th, 1998.  November 5th was simply the beginning of the end.  Cienna's clock was literally ticking down and every minute counted.

Today's "to do" list includes a 20 mile run... UGH!

Today's plan is to get the girl to school and head to the boring, and monotonous bike trail to run 20 miles.  This is part of my training plan for the upcoming marathon on December 2nd.  I've been training alone for this marathon since the mileage exceeds a distance  my dog's can run with me.  The miles are long tedious and boring.  Mentally I'm trying to get myself out of this marathon. When I signed up earlier in the year for the race I'd had a group of what I thought were friends training for it.  Friends come and go with the ebb and flow of your life. It wasn't in my plan to train alone.  It's been a true test of mental toughness for sure.

I'll update the iPhone for the mileage. I'll put on my two favorite podcasts "Stuff You Should Know" and "This American Life."   I'll get to learn interesting things and be entertained by Josh and Chuck's random topics.  Ira Glass is sure to have some very interesting shows to entertain me as well.  I love the stories about people's experiences.  They will help tick away the miles until my feet and legs hurt and I just want to quit.  Then I'll switch to some upbeat music and literally WILL myself to finish.  

The salmon are running perhaps I'll catch a glimpse of them doing their thing along the river.  The fisherman have been out in full force, along with the vultures.  The deer and squirrels are preparing for winter and you can tell.  Although, in this part of California we don't really have winter. 

Hopefully, today will help me clear my head and mull my life's problems over.  Reflect on my memories of my sweet girl and think about what unknowns lie ahead.  That's the best part of running, it helps you work through what's really bugging you.  Lately the biggest decision on my personal plate is whether or not to consider speaking to my doctor about medication.  I'm a highly anxious person and I'm thinking my anxiety is out of control.  Or perhaps I'm just depressed.  So many people tell me that I am; therefore, I must be... right?  

I'm off to start my busy day... with lackluster enthusiasm.  

Encephalitis does a Brain Harm

My son was born in April 1993. I had a normal pregnancy until the end when he did a u-turn and got himself stuck in the breech position. This resulted in a Caesarian delivery. He was so tangled up in his cord and his head was stuck under my diaphragm. The doctors wrestles him out and my husband and I were the proud parents of a son. what and adventure this boy would take us on.

Seventeen days after our son's birth he would be hospitalized for viral encephalitis. He would spend three weeks at the local children's hospital for treatment. The prognosis was Grim. I can still remember the pediatrician I had chosen calling us by phone at the nurses station to break the horrible news to us.

A neurologist came to speak with us. He was matter of fact and pretty realistic bout how things would go for our son during his stay. To have him tell us he was likely to be disabled from the illness was a blow. But like many parents you don't want to believe that about your child.

F developed seizures during that first night. He nearly coded. They started him on anticonvulsants along with an antiviral drug. He had a feeding tube places through his nose to his stomach because he'd stopped eating. As the antiviral drugs began to help he became more and more stable.

He was released from that hospital ray on Mother's day. What a gift that was. We took F home. When I think about how naive we were then. That first illness didn't really prepare us for the road ahead. There would be many more challenges to come.

Starting with the crying…all that crying! It pierced my heart and my ears! I used to call the neurologist be cry that my son NEVER slept. If he did sleep he'd startle himself awake. Little did we know that was a seizure called infantile spasms. This was an extremely challenging summer. After starting steroid injections for the seizures and changing medications the crying improved some.

F had sensory issues and back then no one really addressed them with us.  We'd notice certain sounds and environments were challenging for and overwhelming for him.  Looking back he needed a sensory diet to help his nervous system.  We would learn about sensory diet many years later have F suffers a femur fracture and do to being unable to get out of bed, pain medications, and probably the whole traumatic experience he began showing symptoms similar to those when he was younger.  An occupational therapist would explain to us it was sensory overload and taught us the sensory diet.  It really worked to.

F prior to his first birthday will also have surgery for  gastrostomy (g-tube) placement, nissen fundoplication, and pyloroplasty.  All to help with feeding and pneumonia related reflux.  That was a tough procedure, but we got through it.  This first year was hard and challenging, but when I look back at it I'd say it was hard and challenging because you get placed on a fast learning curve and your just naive new parents doing the best you can with a unique child so unique you meet only one family who has one similar in ability, lack of.

In a nutshell, looking back that first neurologist, who I still call my friend, painted the bleakest picture possible for F's future.  He turned out to be absolutely correct about most things.  Life is challenging for F.  He is SEVERELY disabled.  He is however "nerd" smart as his paraeducator puts it.  He is an untapped resource and if he had expressive language that could pull some of that amazing knowledge out of his head who knows what could be possible.  You just never know what life will give any individual.  You just never know what life will give any of us.  F is an inspiration and I can learn daily from his example in patience, forgiveness, and compassion.  I sure love that kid and would trade most of our experiences together, not even that traumatic first year.

January's Half-marathon

I needed a running goal since I've been such a slacker when it comes to my running and fitness. I signed up for the virtual Nike+ Women's Half-Marathon on 1/15/12. Which meant I'd train and run the half using my Nike+ GPS running app on my phone.

During the training process I used the app. I liked it. It's fairly accurate. I'd say my only complaint is when I wear gloves on cold days it's hard to start and stop. It would be nice if it had an auto stop feature like my Garmin. I run with my dogs and they require more water stops than I.

Race day came. The dogs and I headed to the American river bike trail. We ran our half together. I knew that Rocky (the standard poodle) would easily pull off the distance, but wondered about  little Lilly (puggle, pug/beagle mix). They both did amazing. With water and potty stops we did a 2:10 and change half-marathon. These dogs have been great running partners and I appreciate their company. I've included a photo of them. They didn't cooperate as I would have liked them too. One thing is for sure they don't look like they just went 13.2 miles with me.

My reward from Nike was a bracelet made by Hurley. It came in the mail past week. I'm going to admit I was slightly disappointed. I'm not sure if it's because I'm not a fan of the colors or because I can't really figure out how to put it on. I'm wishing it had come with instructions.

My best reward is automatic entrance into the 2012 Nike Women's Half-Marathon in October with Team Victorious.


written in January 2012

Did I ever tell you how much I HATE suprises?

So my dear friend, who is like a sister to me, is trying to surprise me today.  I love that she wants to do something nice for me, I really, really do.  There's just one thing she won't tell me what we are supposed to be doing and I HATE surprises.  My experiences have reinforced over and over again that my surprises are rarely, if ever, good ones; therefore, I hate them.  They make me uneasy and anxious.

Surprise example number 1.  R tries to throw me a surprise party for my birthday.  F ends up sick and hospitalized with pneumonia.  Surprise example number two plan a vacation and your husband gets pink slipped at his county job (no vacation!).  My list could go on and on.

She wants me to dress comfortably and bring comfortable shoes. You know... this is defined differently by each of us.  Not only that I'm going to be gone ALL day on my only Saturday that I had to spend most of the day at home.  Part of the problem is I'm rarely home.  I can't get my head above water on laundry, housework, blogging, etc. because I'm only home for a few hours and I can't get anything done that requires a good chunk of time.

What I'd like today is a number of things.  Wash my dog so I can cut his hair tomorrow (standard poodle).  Go to the library.  Get in a 10 minute fat burning workout.  Do laundry.  Change the sheets.  Get my math worksheet done.  All those things that have just piled up.  Maybe even watch a movie with the family before I go get my hair done.

I need more hours in my day!

Just trying to keep my head above water...

I know I keep abandoning this blog.  I don't mean to.  Thank you, Lee, for reminding me I have one and for your kind words.  Your words were honestly an answered prayer that day.

I'd like to catch everyone up on all that's going on, but honestly I'm simply just overwhelmed by my life.  I know many people in my life think I'm strong and I can handle everything, but I've kind of had my limit recently.   I'm not super mom.  My marriage is crumbling and I'm coming up on the 15th anniversary of Cienna's terminal diagnosis, her 18th birthday, and the 15th anniversary of her death are around the corner.  Right now I'm just telling myself "fake it until you make it" when really I'd like to curl up in a ball in my warm bed and just cry.  I'm also wondering what the hell I was thinking trying to train for a marathon that is December 2.  I've got a 20 mile training run on my to do list for Monday and I barely have the energy to function.  Really... what WAS I thinking?

I'm just praying for God to ease my sad heart and help me through this challenging time.  Grief sucks!  I miss my daughter and all the memories and milestones we should have had together.

Just trying to survive the day.

F is doing great.  He registered to vote and is super excited about the election.  I'll try to write about that later.  I couldn't be more proud of him.