Confessions of a Dedicated Handwasher

I wash my hands a lot. So much so that they are cracked, chapped, and painful. It's mandatory in my house. I handle my son's body fluids and I have pets. I have this deep rooted fear of germs.

I fear germs that result in nasty flesh eating infections, brink of death pneumonia,  and blood infections. They exist. This fear started with my son's viral encephalitis.

Viral encephalitis causes brain damage in newborn babies. It requires a long hospitalization and many prayers. It results in rebuilding my hopes and dreams for a child who will live a severely disabled life. It stresses a marriage.

Viruses change the way I handle the birth of my next two babies. It ignites fear of hospitals mixed with a strange feeling of comfort knowing they exist. That doctors with the knowledge of infectious diseases and how to fight them reside within their walls and so do the most feared of resistant bacterias.

Then add again another layer to this fear. A baby with a compromised immune system from chemotherapy with an unwelcome infection of MRSA in her central line. This would instill in me a level of paranoia associated with antibiotic use.  "Use antibiotics as directed or don't use them at all" would become my mantra.

My fears began years before "antibacterial" became trendy. Nor did I have available to me hand sanitizer.  It was pretty much a specialty item that you really had to look for.  Wipes weren't made for disinfecting.  I had to create my own diluted bleach solution to clean surfaces with.

I've worn gloves and masks to protect myself from germs. I make sure my family members are faithful to flu shots each year. I refuse to use hand towels that are placed in any household I visit. Those damp towels harbor so many germs. I do not want to pick up those unwanted members of any family and bring them home with me.

I have this internal worry that I will run out of soap and paper towels. That the fads of antibacterial everything will contribute to more superbugs of resistant bacteria.  That friends who don't take their antibiotics as directed, including my husband, will breed an unwanted germ and expose me to it.  I try not to read articles about superbugs and watch the news during flu season. I know my best defense is being a dedicated hand washer.