Today is the anniversary of my daughter, Cienna's death. Can someone please pinch me? I just cannot believe it's been that long. Cienna's birthday was January 18. I wonder what she would be like at this age. Would she be driving, planning prom, starting to think about college... ? You just can't help but wonder about those things.
My friend asked me if I had hope, hope that I would see her again. To which I replied, "I know I will see her again." I have no doubts. I know I will. My greatest sadness isn't that she is gone or that I have to wait to see her until my time comes. My greatest sadness is that I have lived two lives.
My first life was with Cienna, F, and R. We had a great life together even if we didn't reside under the same roof for most of it. We had that job transfer and stupid house that we tried to sell that put a wedge in our time together. I will never forget those three years Cienna lived. They are so cherished and near and dear to my heart. There are moments I can perfectly recall. They take me back in time.
My second life has a different blond haired girl in it. The age difference between F and C is seven years. They didn't build a relationship and become close until the last four years of homeschooling. I took up running and began to be more active because C was and is a very active child. She is a competitive swimmer. She loves to play outside. She is a complete tomboy. Even my relationship with my husband is different than it was when Cienna was alive. The only constant from that previous life is F. He is my one consistency. I love him for that. He helps ground me to that previous life.
I would not trade either these two lives for anything. Even knowing that I would only have one daughter for a short time. My daughters have helped shape me into who I am today. It just saddens me so deeply that I have two family photos. It's like Cienna was erased. Each passing year removes me further and further from my time with Cienna. I'm okay with sadness that overwhelms me at times. It's really a small price to pay having loved her with my whole heart. I just want time to be kinder to my memories.
written 2/5/2012
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