Many people do not like to think about death. It's rarely a part of their life unless they work in a profession where they are exposed to it. I'm talking about the average person. They would hardly give death a thought unless they are faced with a situation that brings it to mind. Situations like a cancer diagnosis, another catastrophic illness, an elderly family member in declining health, etc. I think about death often.
I think about death, first, because Cienna had died at such a young age. Second, because my son is almost 19 years old. Many of the families that I know who had children with conditions similar to his died before their teen years. I often wonder what is it about him that keeps him here so long. I'm often told it's because he gets good care. I like to believe it's because he has a purpose along with a strong will and spirit.
This post isn't about my son, it's about death. This past year my very dear friend, Tam, died. She was like a foster mom to me. I had known her since she my neighbor in 1998, the year my daughter died. My own mother absent most of my adult life was never there to support me in many of the years when I could have used a mother's hug or wisdom. Tam was family to all of us. A grandmother to my daughter. Tam was diagnosed early last year with cancer. She had become a breast cancer surviver many years before we met. Cancer had returned and she had resolved herself to enjoying her last days. She had been there done that with chemo and radiation. I understood and respected that decision. I knew because I had been there and done that when Cienna had cancer.
Choosing quality over quantity of life is a hard decision for many. Many people want to hang on to their loved ones. They hang on out of love and fear of not having them. Sometimes they forget that one more day of pain and discomfort is not quality of life. I'm not saying it's a bad decision to go to great lengths or measures when you know you are faced with death. That is a personal choice. I'm saying that for Cienna, and for Tam, the choice to enjoy the last days without the extra invasive measures needed to hopefully prolong life would have brought discomfort. We had previous knowledge and experience of what those measures took from a body. Cancer treatment is hard. If you are a cancer surviver or going through treatment you know this. Each time cancer recurs it is harder to treat. It requires harsher and harsher treatments if any are available. It can rob you of precious minutes to be spent away from a clinic or hospital enjoying those you love and the world. The decision not to fight with invasive treatments is not easy. When denying invasive treatments it does not mean you are giving up either. There is fight and hope until the very end.
Dying is a process. It has many stages. It can, however, be a very beautiful thing. To help care for someone during their last days is a gift to you and to them. It is a very special time. If someone chooses to die at home, as we did for Cienna, and as Tam did for herself, there are resources to assist you. There is hospice. They are a fabulous team of people. There job is not easy, but it's necessary and it takes special people to be a part of that special time. They can assist in preparing you for each stage of the process.
Something that I learned while going through the dying process is that each individual chooses the moment and circumstance at which they will take their last breath. I really believe this. I've talked to many individuals who have experienced the dying process and I am not the only one who feels this way. I believe that there is a reason and a plan to the last moment. There are times when loved ones miss that last breath. It is not for us to understand.
If you are faced with that hard decision of quantity versus quality, or have been asked by a loved one to help care for them, please know that although as frightening as it may be this is a beautiful time. There is no one who will care for a loved one in their last days like you can. Nurses and care providers will come and go, but you are a constant in your loved ones life. You presence and your touch bring them comfort and love. You will have self doubt about being able to care for them, but you will find the strength when you need it most. The human spirit is a mighty thing.
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